"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
