Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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