He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
