it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
