Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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