I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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