so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
