No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
