I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
