if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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