my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
