you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
