but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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