The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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