People with herpes should wear stickers.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
