dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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