so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize