On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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