I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
