The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
a search helicopter?!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
