Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
