i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
