last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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