the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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