i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
