and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
