My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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