it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
