i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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