He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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