using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
