This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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