Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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