I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize