There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
