yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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