She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
