She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
