You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
