Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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