I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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