I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
