I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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