Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
