Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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