Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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