I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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