this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you inspire me to be a worse person
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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