If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize