I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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