My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
