can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
