she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
