Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
