I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
