I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize