my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize