So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
