So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
