there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
